The summer of 2013 was gearing up to be the best one yet, I was getting married in August and was on the verge of receiving my first full time teacher position while having just completed my master’s degree in ENL. Dadjogger and I were also buying our first house together at the same time. Life felt incredibly sweet, a culmination of the hard work and dedication I poured into my education and career. I bid farewell to my roles as a waitress, soccer trainer, nanny, and full-time student; it was time for one of them to take a backseat. But through these diverse experiences, I managed to finance my master’s degree, contribute to the down payment on our new home, while Will funded our wedding. The grand plan I envisioned for my life was unfolding before my eyes.
However, amidst the joyous anticipation, there was a shadow cast by my father’s declining health. He had been battling illness for most of my life enduring his first heart attack when I was just eight years old. These traumatic experiences set out for constant worries about his health. Despite his health challenges, we accelerated our wedding plans to ensure he could be present. The recent amputation of his foot due to a diabetes-related infection was just one of many obstacles. Yet, amidst it all, his presence at my wedding, walking me down the aisle to Will, whom he adored, was non-negotiable. They say daughters often marry men who resemble their fathers, and in many ways, I was marrying a version of my dad, with distinct differences. Will, a dedicated athlete, prioritized his health, a trait my dad, consumed with caring for others, often overlooked.
Most people reading this who know my dad, know him as the sweet, kind and funny teddy bear that he was. I had spent years taking care of my dad through blindness, infections, bandage changes, sorting his medicine, and taking him to numerous appointments. Through all of the hardships we went through together, we had some wonderful bonding experiences like watching the entirety of the Godfather series when he was in the hospital on a small DVD player, or going to the diner after many appointments and him telling me that this time was going to be different, and my favorite, playing games together as a family and laughing a lot! We were very similar in personality as well as in our worrying thoughts. I never wanted to be too far away from him because of the many traumatic experiences, ambulance calls, and close calls with his defibrillator that we went through as a family.
Our personalities mirrored each other, and the bond we shared was unbreakable. His words, “remember everything you did for me, because it is a lot,” resonated deeply, serving as a source of strength during difficult times. A thank you goes a long way and the impact that these words have on me has helped me through multiple therapy sessions or hard workouts. This past summer while training for the ½ ironman, I biked to the beach and ended up at one of his favorite crabbing spots and the second I saw the parking lot, I burst into tears on my bike. Who knew a parking lot could have such an effect on someone? But this is where I needed him, and he helped me to finish that 40-mile bike ride with a little push from him.
Back to 2013, the wedding was coming up fast! He had seen my dress which was a huge blessing, we picked out our father daughter dance song, and we were deciding how the walk down the aisle would work. I was going to support him on the top and he was going to work on using that new prosthetic leg to make it down the aisle. It all was going to work out and I didn’t care how it went about as long as he was there. Much to my dismay, he found himself back in the hospital about a month before the big day, but this diagnosis was simple, he just needed to adjust some meds and we were in the clear. The morning of August 6, 2013 was one that started like any other. I woke up, did my workout and headed to see him at the hospital, as I was enjoying summer coming to an end and beginning my new job. He was different this morning, not his normal spunky self, he was much more reserved but still managed to ask about all the plans that were happening and all of the little details that were being finished up as well as checking in on Will and all of my friends.
My dad loved food, a little too much as it was an addictive relationship, but he knew good food growing up in an Italian family. It should have been a clue to me that something was wrong when he asked me to feed him the hospital fish for lunch that day. But being the pleaser I am, I fed it to him happily and unfortunately, this was going to be his last meal. We were eating, talking, and enjoying each other when suddenly, he stopped breathing, and this one felt different to other times that this happened. His machine beeped and not the kind of beep that you could just clear on your own as I thought I was the head nurse on the floor sometimes, but a long fatal beep. I ran out into the hallway to get help and as a team of nurses came in, I knew this wasn’t good, but I never anticipated it being the end. This had happened many times before, we lost him at least 7-8 times throughout the 20 years of him being sick. They were able to get him back and he just looked at me crying and his last words to me were “I’m sorry”. I grabbed his hand and squeezed it hard as they rolled him away to get more help from the main hospital floor that he was on. They brought him into the ICU as he was suffering from heart failure, kidney failure, and sepsis. I called my family right away so that we could all see him in the ICU together.
He came back, but not for long, that night my dad took his last breath and his body had shut down. He was a fighter for years, but the fight wasn’t enough this time and he needed to succumb to peace. He was only 56 years old, but he did a lot in that short amount of time. He is credited with building movie theaters that we take his grandchildren to today, designing homes that we can still drive by to see, having a beautiful marriage with my mom, and taking care of four children. He unfortunately did not make it to my wedding, but I know he had a plan. He gave us the most spectacular 75-degree day in late August, he sent my beautiful mother down the aisle with me, and he gave me the most special dance with my brother. My wedding day was special, it was a blast, sentimental, and I put on that smile all day long as that is what I knew he wanted me to do!
As sad as this time in my life was, there is a positive because on October 20, 2018, we got Dad back in a small five-pound 7 ounce body and his name was Benjamin Francis. Francis after his Papa. My Dad came back to us in the form of my son. When you look at pictures of my dad and Ben, they are identical at multiple points in their lives. My Dad missed my wedding in person, but I know he was there in spirit, but as promised by him that he was always going to take care of me, he gave me my Benny boy.
Ben is quiet, reserved and shy in front of a large crowd, but his personality is big and boisterous when in crowds of people he is familiar with, similar to my dad. Ben is artistic, creative, precise, and analytical like my dad who spent his career as an architect. Ben was able to complete puzzles at 3 years old because of his patience and can-do attitude, like my dad. Ben is sweet, careful, considerate, and thankful, just as my dad was. As I watch Ben grow, I see so many opportunities at his fingers.
Ben is a natural athlete just like his Daddy. He has endurance and can run a mile in about 10 minutes without stopping. He has the drive to do better and to prove his worth even with his little legs, also similar to my dad. He swam on his own at the age of 2 and is an amazing hockey goalie, as he is coached by his older brother. What Ben brings to our family is so much love. He gives the best hugs as he squeezes your body and makes you feel like the luckiest person in the world to be getting a hug from such a special soul. Ben excels at school, especially in Math and is always challenging himself to learn more. The best quality that Ben got from my dad is his sense of humor. Ben is funny, silly, and loves to play a trick on you just to make you laugh! My Dad was a big jokester and would do anything to put a smile on your face. All three of my boys are similar to my dad in many ways and seeing little glimpses of my dad through them can get you through a tough day. Billy can hit a homerun like Papa, and he has such a warm heart especially towards his little brothers and Charlie has the fighting spirit that my dad faced each and every day while being sick.
Losing a parent at 24 is hard and unfair. I was extremely close to my dad and didn’t know how I would live without him, but the beauty of grief is that it does get better as hard as that is to hear in the beginning. Grief brings sadness, anger, frustration, and beautiful memories to cherish. I know in my heart that Ben met his Papa before coming to us, and I’m sure my dad was able to add in those chubby cheeks just like his own. We talk about you all the time Papa and compliment Ben on his similarities. If you are dealing with grief know that the process is long and hard but the small hints that we see of our loved one from time to time carry you through to live another day.
As hard as it was to lose him, his passing taught me a lot. It taught me to take care of myself and even though diabetes is a running trend in that side of my family, I will not let it get me. I run and exercise to avoid that happening to myself, I run to be healthy and to show my boys that you need to exercise and eat healthy, and I run to prioritize my health. My dad’s passing taught me endurance. The endurance to make it through a hard mom day, the endurance to build the life I always dreamed of and the endurance to challenge myself physically. If you told me 12 years ago that I would have completed a half ironman, I would laugh and if you told me 12 years ago that I was going to complete an ultra-marathon, I would call you crazy! Endurance to push your body is a quality that I am blessed to have from my upbringing as well as from marrying Will!
This is your reminder to take each day as a beautiful gift, treat each moment as though it may be the last, don’t hold grudges, and squeeze your loved ones (like a Ben hug) everyday! The best piece of advice that I could give to anyone is to say I love you before bed, before getting off the phone or before leaving someone’s house. Life is a precious gift that we get, and we do not know when we will take that last breath, as I didn’t think that was my dad’s time. I miss you dad every day, but I appreciate everything that you gave me. You gave me a wonderful heart, a body to treat like a well-tuned engine (as he loved cars as well), and the confidence in myself to keep going even without you! And now I have my three sons to carry on our legacy! I love my Benny boo so much and am so grateful for being his mama. There is no better gift than watching you grow up into a well-rounded young man.
