The “perfect” parent is an ideal no one can live up to, yet many of us waste time trying to achieve it. Letting go of this ideal is often a long process, and perhaps you’re still in the midst of it. What helps you let it go? What hinders you? How have you reordered your life to no longer prioritize it?
Growing into My Thicker Skin
Growing up, I always dreamed of the perfect life: getting married, having kids, being a teacher, and living a life that was “perfect” to me. Even after earning my master’s degree, getting married, and having three kids, I still felt like I was missing something. My house had to be perfectly clean, my kids perfectly put together, and my appearance flawless.
Entering my mid-thirties changed me for the better. In my twenties and early thirties, I was uncertain of myself and lived to please others. During this time, I was caring for my sick dad, learning how to be a wife, and looking after babies who needed constant attention. I lost myself trying to please others, rarely leaving time for myself.
Turning 35 brought a positive mental change. I realized how much I had accomplished, from achievements to experiencing loss and trauma. As I grew older, I cared less about being perfect. I still like a clean house (thanks to a touch of OCD), but the need for perfection has lessened over time. That’s the beauty of aging.
Now, I strive for goals that benefit my well-being. Working out and staying healthy are priorities, not to look a certain way, but to be around for my children as they grow. My priorities have shifted, and I’m working on letting go of control.
Learning to Let Go
Controlling situations was always my goal, something I struggled to admit. I didn’t want to be a control freak, but I’m learning to recognize those tendencies. I couldn’t control my dad’s illness; he passed away despite my efforts. I can’t control my kids’ actions 100% of the time—they need to learn from their mistakes. I can’t maintain a perfectly clean and modeled home because it doesn’t exist. What I can control is how I act, feel, and speak.
As my kids grow older, I see more of them handling situations without my constant hovering. Watching them handle things independently, stand up for themselves, be kind, and sometimes make mistakes shows that my efforts as a mother are paying off. It’s sad to see them grow up, but it’s a testament to all the hard work invested in them. Parenting is the hardest, most difficult, but most rewarding job on the planet.
What Helps Me Let Go
I’m still working on letting go, and it’s constantly evolving. The main things that help are:
- Getting Out of My Head: Overthinking each situation isn’t helpful. Let life happen and embrace the chaos. I’m learning to let my life’s canvas get filled with paint in unexpected places. Accepting that if the basement is messy at night, it will still be messy in the morning—and that’s okay.
- Giving Myself Grace: Recognize that I’m human and will never be perfect. Instead of beating myself up for oversleeping, I skip the workout and move on. Instead of punishing myself for eating too much dessert, I make a nutritious breakfast. Perfection doesn’t equal happiness; I strive for a happy life.
- Not Sweating the Small Stuff: Realizing that everyone, including myself and my kids, is doing their best. There’s only one person I can change: myself.
- Letting Them Make the Mess: I used to fear messes, but now I see the memories they create are worth more than the mess. I let my kids play freely, get dirty, and enjoy being kids. I want my home to be welcoming, comfortable, and fun, not just neat.
- Prioritizing Myself: Life with young kids is exhausting, but I need to prioritize my health to be there for them. I treat myself to facials, massages, and walks alone. I feel grateful for the opportunity to take care of myself.
What Hinders Me
What used to hinder me was my ego—I wanted to control everything. Now, it’s often exhaustion, frustration, and impatience. I tend to get angry when I haven’t slept enough, when I’m upset about something unrelated, or when I haven’t taken a moment to breathe and manage my feelings. We all work to better ourselves and our families, but hindrances will happen. The key is not letting them control our destiny.
Reordering My Life
I strive to reorder my life every new year, but this can happen daily. Life is chaotic and overwhelming at times, but also privileged and extraordinary. Reordering for a fresh perspective can happen more often than we think. Focus on one thing at a time—one day, one hour, one minute. This mindset has helped me conquer difficult scenarios. I used to crave instant fixes, but now I value the growth and perspective that come with age. Give more hugs, be silly, let them make mistakes, and enjoy life!
